From a plane window

From a plane window everything seems so simple.  Looking at the world from above rather than in I see how things are made; things like decisions and money and destinies.  I see how change is managed like a move in a game of chess.  Flying to Chiang Mai I had a moment, akin to the moment when Neo simultaneously sees the 'world' of the matrix and the code.  I could see everything... from the obvious, like land ownership and management, to the economy and even the metaphorical growth and transmission of ideas.

Enlightenment means nothing matters and everything does.

There is no right and wrong way to live, everything is valid and the key is keeping hold of that awareness - the flow of energy that is the continual transaction of life.  Then the plane descends through the clouds, macro becomes micro and complexity kicks in, bringing with it confusion.  Simple decisions become difficult.  I question, second guess and doubt myself until action becomes all but impossible.

Maybe this is why people climb mountains, not because 'they are there' as cliche would have it, but because  when you reach the top everything else is.

Glory Lasts Forever

More from teh stimulating Vyx, I promise I will start thinking of my own original post content soon but the gears are a bit rusty and besides she always has such fun ideas.  Here are the rules:


A penmanship survey! “The rules are really quite simple. Basically, you take a sheet of paper and you write the following: 

1. What’s your name/your Blogger name?

2. What’s your blog’s name/URL?

3. Write “the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”

4. Favourite quote?

5. Your favourite song?

6. Your favourite band/singers?

7. Anything else you want to say?

And here are my answers:

Go take a look at Vyx's answers here and also check out her tampon collection.

Incidentally, I should probably mention here that I am following a different strategy for posting since my comeback, through necessity I am afraid as my phone no longer syncs via Picasa to my blog. So the commentary in my header is now a total lie.  It is still a photoblog made up of snapshots from my life but taken with my camera and uploaded to my computer and sometimes hosted on the northlands and sometimes uploaded directly here.  I can't decide what is best - Kim, Kendra, any other watchers... what do you do - upload to blog or host elsewhere and link?  I am just scared one day of logging in to a blog full of broken images.

Anyway, I need to change my header... I am not even in the North any more.  Meh.

The contents of my life (I'm back)

Well a year ago I decided to take a break from blogging and more recently made my blog invisible yet here I am back at the pixel-face with my arse out, metaphorically of course.  There are several reasons why I am back but the main one being that Dom wouldn't put me on his "A" list unless I am actively posting.

The second reason is Teh Vyx made me think, superficially about the contents of my handbag and in more depth about the contents of my life and in so doing I began to ponder what makes us 21st century folk decide whether or not to share bag/life contents with the world at large.

As you can see from Vyxen's post and the comment commentary beneath it we differ slightly as to whether, when one is showing the world the contents of our handbags, we censor that image.  Although I spoke out for openness I have been metaphorically censoring my handbag contents for a while now and I don't think it is working for me.

If one is going to broadcast one's existence on a public forum then it is better (within reason) to be open and honest than selective about what one chooses to share.   This is of course a broad generalisation and worthy of several posts, and so it is a theme I may return to.

But mainly the whole process of pondering the issues surrounding blogging, and privacy, and the freedom to be who we are without censure made me want to blog again.

Then again, perhaps it is simpler still.  Perhaps there are two types of women in the world:  those who take photographs of their tampons and post them on the internet and those who don't.

Tread softly

I am done with the American dream for a while. It was Dom's dream anyway - and a beautiful one for what that is worth. But it is exhausting trying to make dreams reality, when everything conspires against us. I have put work and study on hold in order to focus my energy and money on this one thing, but I should have realised that if it was meant to be it would have come easier than this, would not have required such sacrifices.

But when you love someone you try and give everything you have to realise their dreams. Now I sit and type and watch my beloved wolf who is flaked out on the bed, drained of energy and hope. It is easier for me, I don't have children who miss me and I am used to this rootless gypsy existence. But he will learn or I will learn to let him go.

After a pause to let the windblown leaf of my imagination settle, I can go back to the British Council jobs board and consider my options in a concrete way - the Middle East, Sri Lanka, or back to Bangkok. Or possibly I should do that PGCE that I have been promising myself for years. The world is ours, as long as it is not (currently) America.

Thus the clarity of my new header. I am focusing on Northern Thailand right now.

I am so sorry Dom, I trod on your dreams.

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heaven's embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

William Butler Yeats

Persistence

At last I am back. There is a story behind my absence... and I don't just mean a steady stream of excuses. If you cast your cursor back to my very first post you will recall that the whole reason I started this blog was because I bough a sexy new phone that could publish directly to blogger. I had previously been a wordpress fan, but that little bit of functionality persuaded me to switch and I am glad I did for many reasons.

However it turned out that the set up of the phone / blog connection was dependent on my SIM card. A SIM card I lost in England this Christmas (Dom's fault).

Of course I could have got a new SIM card with my old number, it is a relatively simple process, except it isn't if your old package is registered in your ex-husband's name and requires you to contact your ex-husband and ask him to send you a signed photocopy of his ID card.

So I bought a new SIM card. Which, it turns out after I had bought it, didn't have automatic internet access. Or MMS for that matter. So I got the leaflet on how to register for these 'economical value-added services' and attempted to register. Of course I was connected to an automatic selection system that was all in Thai, and although I thought I had hit all the right buttons, I couldn't be sure and the outcome was a resounding FAIL when I attempted to publish to my blog.

But I didn't give up. Today I took my phone to dtac and asked them to set me up with MMS and email. I felt vindicated when it took them 20 minutes, as there was some issue connecting my phone to the internet even when I was registered. They were great by the way... they persisted too, even when I am sure they were tempted to throw my phone at me and give me the happy smile, along with the explanation free "sorry cannot" that I begin to dread when dealing with Thai services.

I then had to set up a NEW blog before transferring the connection to this blog. But I got there with persistence.

Glorious persistence... maybe I will get to America in 2010 after all.

And, yes that's my bra in the photo - isn't it a wonderful colour?

Sunday morning 9am

Well Brandy thinks this one doesn't need text, but I am gonna give it some anyway.

I wanted this to be my 'I'm okay' picture. I didn't announce that I was pregnant because I knew, being 39 and this being my first baby, I was a high risk for miscarriage. And it happened this week - just two months into my pregnancy. But life goes on... I took this picture on my first morning back at work. The lovely morning sunlight, a cat lazing on the roof behind the British Council. I have Wolf and a wonderful life.

And I'm okay.

Advent

Every year mum sends me an advent calendar.

Correction: Previously, every year mum and dad sent me an advent calendar, AND THIS YEAR mum sent me an advent calendar.

That sounds like a grammatical exercise, but it is in fact an exercise in restrained emotion. I will try very hard to have a good Christmas without dad, as it is what he would want. But it will be hard as even as I type this I have tears in my eyes.

Funny though eh? 39 years old and still opening those little windows.